I wish I had skipped November, too.

I didn't write at all in November.

Usually, I would apologize for my tardiness and promise future entries, perhaps even in a list with bullets. But really, I just want to forget that month entirely.

Pieces of it are missing from my memory. I suppose that's for the best. There are some things that are not worth holding on to. I mourn my lapses in time from depression and pain and disordered sleep - they make me trip and stumble until they're all one and the same. But, really, it's for the best that I can't remember much leading up to my need to go to the Emergency Room to plead for psychiatric help, please, help of any kind, please.

I wasn't admitted. Sure, they admitted that I need help and that I wasn't healthy, but they couldn't keep me unless I physically hurt myself or someone else. Or, if I told them the precise ways in which I would do these things. They can only help you if you have already planned your way out - planning to get healthy is not in their jurisdiction, it would seem.

I got some referrals. I took a few days off of work. I cried for a week in lieu of eating or sleeping. I saw some doctors. I got some medicine. 

And a friend visited. I showed her around this city of mine. This city that felt throttled between the Rockies and the Pacific. This city that felt like its going to slip off of the edge of the country. We explored it together, though, and she made me feel a little less lost.

And then I got some flowers from a friend.

Flowers! From a friend! Who lives on the other side of the country! I didn't know you could do that. I didn't know I could get that. Flowers! How do we have flowers at this time of year, even inside? I wish I had a proper vase for them, or a glass pitcher, even. They make me smile every day.

With help, I'm slowly picking up the pieces of my life again. The ones that are worth holding on to.

On letting go.

I have been researching many things regarding my upcoming move to the other side of the country.

• apartments
• public transit
• air fare
• transporting the pets
• health coverage
• jobs
• furniture on the cheap
• hell, everything on the cheap

And, sure, we've packed up two large bins of stuff that we can get rid of (which we haven't actually removed from our apartment). I've been dragging my heels on selling a few extra items, though. I haven't been able to say goodbye to them yet, and, well, I don't want to say goodbye to anything or anyone. Selling a sewing machine, table and chairs, saddle, and typewriter, well.. that seems rather final.

I've only had 6 weeks to live in this apartment with my partner, and it feels too soon to say goodbye to this chapter of our life together. Yes, yes, we're moving together across the country, but, well, we're moving together across the country!

It's also looking like my partner is going to move back to BC before I do. He's going to look for an apartment for us, prepare for school, spend time with his sister, and, I don't know, whatever else he needs to do without me. I'm fine with flying alone - I've been doing it since I was a child - but saying goodbye to my family and not having him there to remind me of what I'm moving towards, rather than just what I'm moving away from? Uncool.

Sigh. I can't control everything. I've got to learn to let things go. I suppose it's easier to move when you're not loaded down with baggage.

I just wish I knew what great things await me.

Reading your own X-Rays? Yup. There's an app for that.

It's time for another show-and-tell. This time, it's about my progress on slowing the progression of my possible Hyper Mobility Syndrome/Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. Yes, progress on slowing progress. That's right.

In English: putting, and keeping, my joints in their places in order to:

• immediately - decrease my clumsiness & help me sleep better
• near future - decrease my pain & fatigue
• far future - decrease my chances of early arthritis & need for braces and other aids to help me do everyday things

I'm not sure whether these goals are achievable or not, but they seem reasonable to me, and I do have to start somewhere.  I'm enlisting professional help, while I have some health insurance, in order to see if these goals can be reached.

Here are a few of my recent x-rays, which show that this isn't all in my head.

Ohai, fused vertebrae!

Ohai, misaligned ribs!

 I'm going to the chiropractor twice a week for 5 or 6 weeks, and then I'll decrease the frequency of the sessions. The chiropractor is one of those new-fangled ones with all sorts of devices and ways to make adjustments as relaxing and as simple as possible for me. That's good news, because these newer methods make for a gentler visit and keeps my joints happy. So far, my body is adjusting really easily (probably due to the extra elasticity, ha!) and my neck is holding in place fairly well. My ribs and hips don't like to stay in place, but they feel fantastic for the first hour or so after the adjustment. Once they go back into their normal routine, I can feel that it's more difficult to walk and that I'm clumsier and not as strong.

I'm also have a physio appointment booked for two weeks from now. I'm going to get an assessment and see what they recommend. For now, though, it seems odd: they only work on one joint or problem at a time. Um.. sure.. that's one way to do it.. I explained that every joint in my body is hypermobile and that most partially dislocate every day, which causes me pain, stiffness, blah blah, but they asked me to pick one joint to work on. So.. left shoulder it is. They'll have fun with that one. I partially dislocate it whenever I move it, so it'll be a good test of the physio's chops to see if she can make sense of it.

In an attempt to prove that this isn't all in my head, I asked my chiro for temporary solutions for shoulder instability. He suggested seeing if a physio recommended taping my shoulder into place, like athletes do to prevent injuries.  I jumped the gun, found a good physio website, and followed the instructions to tape my shoulder into a stable position with sports tape.

The taping looks awful, because it's remarkably difficult to tape your own shoulder, I've discovered, even if your other arm is super bendy and can extend in odd angles. I got my partner to retape my shoulder the next day, and his tape job was much neater than mine.

During those two days, my left shoulder felt fantastic! My neck wasn't as tight or sore, and my left shoulder didn't feel anywhere near as stiff and tired as my right shoulder did. It improved my posture a bit, and I don't think it limited my range of motion much more than is the normal range for people. I couldn't reach in ways that I usually do, but I was able to sit in a chair for much longer without becoming uncomfortable, and I knit for hours longer than I'm usually able to. (I was listening to an audio book for school while knitting. It wasn't a completely frivolous use of my time!) I also slept really well, and was actually very comfortable in bed - which is rare for me. I usually toss and turn, changing my position every half hour or so. Therefore, I was a quick convert to sports taping, and was eager to see a physiotherapist to learn taping techniques and to get official medical approval.

So, last night: I had been wearing the tape for about 8 hours, and my shoulder had felt a little itchy during the day, but it wasn't enough to concern me, and certainly wasn't enough to outweigh the benefits that the tape afforded me. That was, until I took off the tape off and was greeted with this:

Eek! I was super itchy, but instead of scratching it, I put some lovely moisturizer on it. The moisturizer I use is also used for hospital patients with sensitive skin - like those undergoing chemo. So, it's good stuff and didn't cause the irritation. I still wasn't too concerned because, well, I had just removed the tape and I figured that a certain amount of itching was normal. I'd let it breathe for the night and retape it in the morning, even though I knew that sleeping without it taped up would mean that I would have a tricky time getting comfy in bed. But, I had to follow the cautions and not keep the tape on for an extended period of time (the tape packaging suggested 12h as a max).

Regardless, I woke up this morning to this:

So, no more sports taping for me, I guess. At least not unless the physio suggests kinesio tape, which a friend recommends as the least likely to give EDSers a tape rash, or, perhaps, just a minimal rash if your other EDS symptoms are mild, like mine are.

Good thing I only bought four rolls of the tape. Sigh.

My brother is nicknamed "Gumby"

I feel relieved. Upon researching a genetic condition that affects collagen, which two of my friends have, I realized that I probably have it too. Yes, I am known to be a hypochondriac, and a wee bit psychosomatic. However, I cannot make my skin stretchier or my joints partially dislocate (sublux) just by imagining that they do. I can, however, make my joints sublux by something as simple as shrugging, rolling over in bed, or standing still. Tonight at Stitch & Bitch, people remarked at how often and loudly my joints cracked. Last week, we discovered that my jaw clicks loudly enough for others to hear. Awesome.

Here are some characteristics of this disorder, called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. I have bolded the symptoms that I have, as well as symptoms that my eldest brother and my mother have, as I am suspicious that they have this too. I've taken this from Wikipedia. Not a medical source, to be sure, but still helpful.

• Highly flexible fingers and toes
• Loose, unstable joints that are prone to: sprain, dislocation, subluxation (partial dislocation) and hyperextension (double jointedness)
• Flat feet
• Joint pain without inflammation
• Fatigue, which can be debilitating
• High and narrow palate, resulting in dental crowding
• Vulnerability to chest and sinus infections
• Easy bruising
• Fragile blood vessels resulting from cystic medial necrosis with tendency towards aneurysm (even abdominal aortic aneurysm)
• Velvety-smooth skin which may be stretchy and is often translucent, with blue veins clearly visible on limbs and particularly in the hands
• Abnormal wound healing and scar formation (scars may appear like cigarette burns)
• Low muscle tone and Muscle weakness
• Early onset of osteoarthritis
• Cardiac effects: Dysautonomia typically accompanied by Valvular heart disease (such as mitral valve prolapse, 
• Unexplained "pins and needles" or numbness in extremities
• Difficulty regulating own body temperature, resulting in a vulnerability to the cold and heat. Many patients suffer fatigue and dizziness when exposed to hot conditions, eg. having to sit outside on a hot day
• Severe mouth ulcers. Many patients complain of having several mouth ulcers at any one time. This is believed to be due to tissue fragility and vulnerability to infection
• Food allergies and intolerances are very common
• Sensitivity to medications. One of the cruelest aspects of EDS is that many patients experience bad reactions to medications, such as pain killers, making it very difficult to find safe, effective pain management
• Migraines and headaches
• Fibromyalgia symptoms: Myalgia and arthralgia

Other, less common signs and complications may include:

• Osteopenia (low bone density)
• Talipes equinovarus (club foot), especially in the Vascular type
• Deformities of the spine, such as: Scoliosis (curvature of the spine), Kyphosis (a thoracic hump), Tethered spinal cord syndrome, Occipitoatlantoaxial hypermobility,^[8] Arnold-Chiari malformation (brain disorder)
• Functional bowel disorders (functional gastritis, irritable bowel syndrome)
• Nerve compression disorders (carpal tunnel syndrome, acroparesthesia, neuropathy)
• Vascular skin conditions: Raynaud's phenomenon, Livedo reticularis
• Blue sclera
• Otosclerosis (hearing loss)
• Premature rupture of membranes during pregnancy
• Platelet aggregation failure (platelets do not clump together properly)
• Infants with hypermobile joints often appear to have weak muscle tone (hypotonia), which can delay the development of motor skills such as sitting, standing, and walking
• Arterial/intestinal/uterine fragility or rupture
• Swan neck deformity of the fingers

And now, for the fun bit. Photos!

I use my pinky to scratch my ring finger.
I usually do this unconsciously.

This is what a friend has dubbed "The EDS Gang Sign"

Apparently hypermobile fingers. Seems normal to me.
Thumb at rest.

Indent = Sulcus Sign. Partially dislocated shoulder.
Notice the road map of veins due to thin skin.

If I were you, I wouldn't trust my bendy fingers,
but that hole is where my shoulder bone is supposed to be.

How I usually stand to feel stable. Partially dislocated knee, unstable ankle.
That blue tinge is from my veins showing through my skin. I also thought that was normal.

This is how I hold a pen because my index finger is super bendy.

Holding a thick marker is easier than holding a thin pencil

I can use my stable thumb to support the marker.
My fingers are "boutonairre" and unstable.

Arm is more than 90 degrees backwards from my torso. I can extend it backwards to about 145 degrees.
Shoulder is partially dislocated at the back.

Inside of elbow up, palm up, dog up.

Inside of elbow up, palm down (and rotated to the right), dog down.

Inside of elbow up, palm up, fingers extended.

Right thumb touching forearm. (Other hand holding camera)

Right arm straight at 180 degrees. It's hard to hold it steady here.

This is how my right arm usually bends - past 180 degrees.

Left thumb touching forearm. This wrist might be partially dislocated. I dunno.

 I have what is considered to be abnormally stretch skin, too, but photographic evidence will have to wait until I

A: get photo booth to work again
B: fish out my awesome DSLR, tripod, and remote, or
C: Solicit someone to help

So. Yeah. According to medical sites, both genetic and orthopedic, I definitely exhibit signs of hypermobility, which isn't necessarily Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, but add in my stretchy see-through skin, which scars oddly, and it's more likely that I have EDS. Probably a mild case of Type 3, which classified as the hypermobility type (confused yet? You should be.) rather than a classical type.

The hypermobility type, unfortunately, doesn't have a particular genetic test that can be done to get a positive diagnosis, unlike the other types, which do. Even without a positive EDS diagnosis, I'm definitely hypermobile and walk funnily, so I should at least be able to get a referral to physio to learn how to build up my muscles in ways that don't aggravate my joints.

"Creative" Goals*

Since all of the cool kids are doing it, I'm going to post my creative goals for this year:

1. Sew two skirts from scratch
2. Knit six pairs of sock
3. Knit a complete sweater-vest
4. Make a case for my phone
5.  Get back into the studio
6. Use my DLSR again

Now, I feel some exposition is needed. But that's another post.



Ha! Kidding. But only kinda, 'cause I really would rather be assembling radio show playlists. Ooh!

    7. Make radio playlists without repeating any songs for the entire year 

Back to the exposition.

1. Sew two skirts from scratch

I have the pattern for a basic a-line skirt of varying lengths and I have fabric for the first one all ready to go. I'd like to  make that skirt, plus another skirt out of lighter fabric for the summer. If I hate it, then it won't be like I have to make a whole bunch of 'em, but it also is enough that I'm able to adapt my technique for the second skirt to see what I've learned. Plus, I'll get two skirts out of it. Any more than that, and I'll have to toss some clothes I already have. I am a pack-rat when it comes to clothing, so I really need to be stringent regarding the amount of clothes I accumulate, handmade or otherwise.

2. Knit six pairs of sock

That'll give me a chance to knit a buncha socks from the new sock book my ma got from her ma for Christmas. Do I know the title, author, or publisher of it? No. I do not. I am a lazy librarian and don't want to go into the other room to find the book. I shall tell you in a future post when I'm further on in my sock-knitting frenzy. Pinky swear. I also don't want to commit to knitting a pair of socks a month, since I might not have time, what with my final term of my honours degree and a full course load and my insanity disability becoming no easier to manage. But.. that, too, is another post. Ooh - I already have one sock neeearly completed. I just have to do the toe shaping. It's going to be a Christmas stocking for the pup, since I don't have enough wool to knit a matching pair. I adore my prototype sock, though. I am smitten with socks.

3. Knit a complete sweater-vest

Yes, I said sweater-vest because I panic when I think of kitting sleeves that fit nicely and attaching them to the body and that's so much wool and such a commitment and arrrrghFDSAFDA. So yeah. My brain breaks when I think of sleeves. But I do want to knit a full garment. Yep.

4. Make a case for my phone

This goal probably should be the first one I finish, as my touch-screened phone reeeally needs some comfy clothes to protect it from the elements (and the hazards contained in my purse).

5. Get back into the studio

Even if it's just a live rehearsal session or creative session in Studio B, that's cool. I just have to get back to it in some capacity while I have cheap access to a studio and some awesome friends to help me out with it. Oh. Back? you ask. Um.. well.. I dabbled in the indie roots scene in the Golden Horseshoe during my youth, and while I can say honestly that I do not miss the business side one iota, I do miss the creative side. I have to learn to be selfish about my music for awhile, if that's what it takes to enjoy it again. Then maybe you'll get to enjoy it too, if I'm up to sharing. Yes.

6. Use my DLSR again

Same sorta deal. Only, you know, I never won any awards for my photography like I did for songwriting. But whatever. There's a thriving photography and arts scene in my town city, and I should take advantage of that. By that, I mean make friends who will say I really like the lighting in this photo or The composition is perfect or even This is a trite angle, loser. Get lost. Whatever. I want to learn and use the immensely generous gift that my family gave me a few years back. They believe in me, so I should learn to believe in myself too. Yes.

And I guess that's the point of all of these goals. Set achievable goals. Make time to work towards them. Brag when I can cross something off my list. Or whatever.

Oh, and 7.  Make radio playlists without repeating any songs for the entire year.

Other programmers, and even my own operator, at Trent Radio have wondered why I am stubborn about certain selections or why I don't include super-obvious choices for themed shows. Usually, it's because I've already used that song for another show and I don't want to repeat it, or because I'm saving it for an upcoming show. I have some goals for myself for my show, some of which are based on my original proposal, and others that are just personal goals. This is one of the personal ones. I think there's enough kickass indie Canadian music out there that I shouldn't have to repeat any songs. It shouldn't be a show about whatever is on my mp3 player that week, so I carefully plan theme shows. Perhaps too carefully. That is up for debate (every. single. week. ARGH.) but this is a personal programming goal that I'd like to meet. Yes. I'll remind you to listen to the shows when the new season starts up again, and you may be able to hear if I stick to this goal or not.

Aaaand now it's time to let the pooch out and then time to try to sleep. It's been tiresome, this sleeping thing, and that is an unacceptable irony.


*These goals may or may not be creative in terms of rarity or uniqueness, but are definitely goals concerning creative energies.