I wish I had skipped November, too.

I didn't write at all in November.

Usually, I would apologize for my tardiness and promise future entries, perhaps even in a list with bullets. But really, I just want to forget that month entirely.

Pieces of it are missing from my memory. I suppose that's for the best. There are some things that are not worth holding on to. I mourn my lapses in time from depression and pain and disordered sleep - they make me trip and stumble until they're all one and the same. But, really, it's for the best that I can't remember much leading up to my need to go to the Emergency Room to plead for psychiatric help, please, help of any kind, please.

I wasn't admitted. Sure, they admitted that I need help and that I wasn't healthy, but they couldn't keep me unless I physically hurt myself or someone else. Or, if I told them the precise ways in which I would do these things. They can only help you if you have already planned your way out - planning to get healthy is not in their jurisdiction, it would seem.

I got some referrals. I took a few days off of work. I cried for a week in lieu of eating or sleeping. I saw some doctors. I got some medicine. 

And a friend visited. I showed her around this city of mine. This city that felt throttled between the Rockies and the Pacific. This city that felt like its going to slip off of the edge of the country. We explored it together, though, and she made me feel a little less lost.

And then I got some flowers from a friend.

Flowers! From a friend! Who lives on the other side of the country! I didn't know you could do that. I didn't know I could get that. Flowers! How do we have flowers at this time of year, even inside? I wish I had a proper vase for them, or a glass pitcher, even. They make me smile every day.

With help, I'm slowly picking up the pieces of my life again. The ones that are worth holding on to.

Bunnies and Coyotes and Beagles, oh my!

I feel privileged to welcome a foster beagle into my tiny, tiny home.

I've wanted to foster dogs ever since I found my dog, Ellie, being fostered at a friend's house. Sure, she wasn't my dog then (in fact, she was adopted be another family temporarily before joining my family), but I fell in love with the idea of fostering rescued dogs.

My Elliepup started it all.

Rescuing dogs from inadequate, and sometimes even cruel, environments is a rather romantic notion. Not everyone loves dogs, of course, but I haven't met a person who has said that rescuing dogs from neglectful or abusive humans is ridiculous or a waste of time.  Strangers on the street have been known to hug me when they find out that Ellie is a rescued dog.

But fostering? Bringing a neglected or abused dog who has no training - or worse, behavioural issues - into your home?

That seems extreme to some people. Isn't the pound is a perfectly reasonable place for dogs to live until they're adopted?

Well, yes. Many kennels are alright places for dogs who are awaiting forever homes. However, animal shelters are filled to the brim and most simply don't have room for any more dogs. Dogs are social animals and animal shelters can be stressful environments - the dogs are often better off in home environments than waiting in a kennel.

Since my Elliepup was a puppymill breeder, she had absolutely no socialization skills and didn't know how to interact with other dogs or people. She needed a loving home as soon as she could get one -- even if it was a temporary home until her permanent home (mine!) could be found. I wanted to be a part of that experience for dogs in need.

I also want another dog, but as I'm unable to financially commit to another dog right now, fostering is the perfect option for me. The rescue organization takes care of the vet bills, while I get the excitement of a new dog without the long-term commitment. I get to use and improve my dog psychology and training skills while also helping to save a dog.

Sure, it'll be difficult to say goodbye to the dogs I foster, but it'll mean that they're going to good homes. Plus, every dog I foster instead of adopt is another dog saved.

Both of these red dappled mini dachshunds were rescued from puppy mills!

So, Ellie and I have welcomed a beagle into our lives, for now, and we're loving it. Ellie is a bit annoyed that she has to share her beds (poor pup - she has, like,three, plus the laundry pile) but she's thoroughly enjoying the hound company on walks and having a warm body to snuggle up to.

How could someone not care for these dogs?

Finally, someone else is around who understands Ellie's love for sniffing and tracking. Ellie and the beagle, Alex, found a wild bunny hopping out of the hedge this morning, and they ran into a pair of coyotes on the street last night! They've also found many-a dead rodents, bits of rotting food, and discarded underthings. They're having a ball.


The beagle is learning really quickly and by the time he's adopted, he not only going to be a fantastic dog, but a well-mannered one too!

Alex, a newfie beagle, loves the CBC and is looking for a forever home!

Also, my buddy Zoe from A Giraffe in a Scarf fosters cats. She's such a great kitty mama. She often writes about her fostering experiences, and she always includes adorable photos of her snuggly feline brood.

If you're thinking of adopting an animal, please check out your local rescue organizations as well as the shelters in your area. You can often find breed-specific rescues (like the Beagle rescue I volunteer for) if you're interested in a specific breed of dog, bunny,  horse, or other animal.

Would you consider adopting from a rescue, or fostering?

Brace Yourself

I gathered up enough courage to see an orthotist.

No, no, not an orthotist for shoe inserts (although, that wouldn't be a bad idea). Shoe orthotics are actually only one type of orthotics. A trained orthotist addresses all sorts of support and bracing needs -- from compression socks designed especially for diabetics, to neck braces and foot braces.

I saw an orthotist to see if a shoulder brace would be helpful. I'm currently doing my physio exercises and being mindful of not hyperextending my left shoulder, but it's not helping enough - I'm still getting a fair amount of numbness and weakness in my left hand after a long day of doing nothing in particular with my arms. I currently tape up my shoulder to limit its range of motion when I know I'll be doing yardwork or carrying things, but it's cumbersome and I get weird skin rashes and blisters from the tape. Well, the almost-doc (he's in training, and consulted with the experience doc on staff) said that what I really need is an entirely new shoulder, but that they don't make those. Ha. Thanks. Also, that the braces they do have would only be helpful if I want to immobilize my shoulder completely. I may need that in the future, he said, but that it's probably not helpful right now.

I also asked about my left knee. I wanted to know if it really is as unstable as I perceive it to be, or if I can correct that with more physio and targetted exercises. The orthotist said it shouldn't be anywhere near as unstable as it is, and that my kneecap shouldn't float around. He lent me a knee brace to try out for a few weeksto see if it helps. If it does, then I can consider investing in one. So far, I definitely feel better with it when I'm bending and moving around. Moving chairs and tables at work, and going up and down stairs was much more comfortable and sturdier. It also helps me keep from bending my knee backwards when I walk, which seems to be helping my back pain at night. I can't be certain, though, and I still don't know if it'll be worth it.

While struggling to pull the knee brace on, I also asked the orthotist about my fingers. And I watched his jaw drop, before he asked me to stop what I was doing. Okay. Then I tried again to pull the knee brace on, and he watched my fingers, and then hurried out of the room to, I suppose, talk to the guy in charge. I waited a few minutes, bending my knee, and enjoying the stability. And I worried.

The orthotist (in training) returned, apologized, and asked to examine my fingers. He asked what I specifically had problems with. I showed him how my fingers bend too far, apparently, and make it really difficult to hold a pencil and write for more than a few minutes without pain. I showed him how I hold cutlery, and how it's difficult to cut things with a knife. He examined my fingers again, and then left the room, again. Upon his return, he smiled and said that he could most certainly make me a custom finger splint to help me keep my index finger from hyperextending. Huzzah! And that I most certainly need one. I asked about the other fingers, but as this custom brace will likely run about $75, I probably won't be able to get them for more than one finger. Yikes. He said I definitely need them for all of my fingers, though, and when I showed him my toes, he cringed and asked if I had any way of seeing my rhuematologist earlier than planned. Smooth, guy. Really smooth. Heh. He was nice, though, and I felt better after seeing him.

But, that's good news. A: That I wasn't crazy about the hyperextensions, and B: that I will likely be able to find a solution for my index finger. Woot.

I have another appointment next week. I'm going to bring some information on Oval-8 finger splints, as well as silver ring splints (which are waaaaaaaaay out of my price range) to give him an idea of what's available. I don't really want to be his engineering guinea pig if I don't have to.

So, that's the update. I have a chiro appointment tomorrow morning, which is overdue, after subluxing some ribs a few weeks back. All of the dog walking I've been doing though has been strengthening my legs and my core, and I've even built up my lower back muscles to straighten out the excessive curve in my lower back, so I haven't been having as many problems with that. Yay!

I'll be dog-sitting for the next week, which is exciting. It'll test out if I'm up for fostering dogs in the fall. I hope so! I better hide the knee brace so the loaner dog doesn't eat it. Heh.

I hope you're all doing well and conquering your fears too. Asking for help is certainly scary, but it also shows just how strong you are. Or, so I believe.

Things we encountered on our afternoon walk:

• Two adorable cats. One of them played with Elliepup. Purr!
• Two adorable doxies. One of them was a piebald puppy. Ellie loved them.
• A chicken bone, which Ellie sniffed out amidst some tulips. She wanted to take it home.
• A blues guitarist. I danced a little.
• A blonde squirrel. Weeeird.
• A balmy 18C. I'd love summer if it wouldn't get any hotter than this. Glorious! 

Some piebald & longhaired doxie eyecandy: 

 Source

Lotus Land

Well, internets, it's time to bid you adieu.

Just for a little while. Only for a little while.

I'm on vacation, you see. Hurrah! Vacation! And it's a true vacation - I'm going away! I haven't gone away on vacation in years - not for anything that wasn't centered around family events. So, I am quite excited. Even if I do feel that I haven't earned it. Oh well.

I'm heading to British Columbia for a week. I'll be leaving the pup with my brother and his gal in their new house. Oh, the nerves. I sent a much-too-long list of instructions to them, and I'm sure the pup will have more luggage than I will. She'll be fine, though, and I hope they have good weather for the dog park. Ellie and I even went on a dog date and went to an off-leash dog party this week. It was fantastic! I should've taken pictures. Next time, I promise.

We (my partner and I) will be visiting his parents on the Sunshine Coast for most of the trip, but we'll also be spending a day or so in Vancouver. We have to visit his family in Van, as well as hit up the aquarium, sea wall, the public library, and probably a tea shop and a typeset and stationery shop. Eep. Excitement.

I'll take far too many photos. I promise.

Which reminds me - I've gotta get packing!

Talk to you soon, folks. I hope you all have a lovely week.

In the eye of the storm

It is crunch time, Internets.

I have four papers due this week, along with oodles of academic paperwork, plus two exams to write next week. Eep.

So, I'll keep this short.

I just wanted you all to know that I am, indeed, alive. I'm keeping on keeping on, as one of my former therapists would say, and I'm doing my very darndest to keep my head above water, both metaphorically and literally, as the snow melts and the streets flood.

I'm counting down the days until I can hightail it to the other side of the country. I'll be vacationing on the West Coast with my partner and his family later this month, and we have a move scheduled to the Lotus Land for the autumn.

The pup is doing well, aside from desperately needing a grooming to keep her long hair from dreading. She's in good spirits these days and is becoming more relaxed as she learns to trust and to follow commands. We're always working to socialize her and get her used to strangers and sudden noises and movements, but we're doing so with renewed commitment, as she could qualify as a psychiatric service dog. We just need her to be able to perform a few tasks that help me with my disabilities, as well as make her generally bomb-proof in public. That last part will be the hardest, I am certain. It may never happen, but it's a goal we can work towards.

Well, back to paperwork, and then we're off to work. Take care, internetland.

Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

These days, I must remind myself to breathe. To inhale and exhale.

I inhale well. I am excellent at taking in the chilly almost-spring air deep into my lungs, which seems to clarify so much more than I expect it to. I can stand still and almost feel human when I am out in the snow with just my little pup. It makes me feel as if maybe, just maybe, getting lost in the woods and never returning would be unfortunate, or at least inconvenient. I am so great at inhaling that sometimes I inhale quite rapidly, and repeatedly, but it seems to lack the intended effect, for I feel dizzier than ever.

I'm not very good at exhaling. I hold my breath during times of exertion, physical or otherwise. When I feel ohso out of control, I try my best to control my breathing. I don't always execute it well, though, for impeding exhalation goes against everything that my brain is built for - everything, except for what I am conscious of. It always seems like a smart idea to stop everything, if only for a second. Except it's never only for a second. I wait with bated breath for something to change. Without oxygen, though, a second feels like an eternity. It is difficult to be observant to change when one is trying desperately to stop one's body from doing what it is meant to do.

I should be taking slow, deep breaths.

Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

But as my body is repeating, so is my mind. It is repeating all of the things that I am trying to hold back. All of the thoughts that are incorrect and unhealthy and disordered. Apparently, taking over subconscious acts such as breathing actually makes my subconscious grouchy and less willing to help me out with this whole keep calm and carry on thing. Sigh.

Sighing is one type of exhale that I am really good at. It is a sign of defeat. It emotes sadness and disappointment or, on a good day, simply exhaustion. I cannot remember the last time I sighed from relief. That would require being relieved. I wish I could be relieved of all of.. this ..just for a little while. Body, mind, and spirit.

I used to be spirited. That's another thing that I have to retrieve from the depths of these illnesses.

As soon as I catch my breath.

I got eggs today, as well as a job.

Actually, I got the job first, and then I picked up eggs on the way home, as I told myself that I could afford such a frivolous purchase now that I am gainfully employed.

I have worked at the establishment before, but in a different capacity. I've been a library assistant in their library, and I also worked for three years as the library coordinator for a different organization under the same green roof.

I will get as many hours as I'm able to handle, (more, even, perhaps) until the end of April, thanks to a grant through the provincial government. They've gotta use the money or they lose it, and I fit the very specific criteria to fulfill the requirements for the funding. Hurrah!

I am going to be a house warden. I will do regular cleaning and set up rooms in the house for events, take money and give receipts for events that are booked, and make sure that nobody is setting anything on fire or scratching the hardwood floors. In my downtime, I can do homework or pet my dog because the pup is allowed to come to work with me! And she can walk to work with me because it's only a 15 minute walk from my house (or one stop on the bus route).
 
It is pretty much the best job ever. Yep.

I have a rather comfortable level of general unease about it. I am feeling as if the world has slowed down, and that I am walking in pace with it. Perhaps this odd feeling is peace, or contentment, or some twisted form of accomplishment. I am uncertain. I just know that it rocks, and that it is infinitely better than the panic I felt earlier -- I was sure that this was some elaborate scheme to make me look foolish and to prey on my sympathies.

Silly, I know.

So, lesson learned. I should do stuff even if it scares me, because it may enable me to purchase eggs.

Oh - and I didn't know that convenience stores in Ontario regularly carry eggs. Where have I been for the last decade? I have been in a hole where one does not purchase eggs from a convenience store, it would seem. Eggs are purchased, and they are neither cracked nor rotten. Good work, convenience store! Good work, Cara. Good work all around.

Down and Out

Why didn't I post this week?

Because Depression got the better of me. I skipped some classes (some were canceled, though!) because I reasoned that the class would be better off without me, or because I would not have anything intelligent to say and would start crying. Those things sound silly now, but they made perfect sense at the time. Sigh.

Yes, I was taking my meds. I even picked up some more vitamins and added a few supplements. Here's a list, because I'm in the process of making lists for an assignment, and I'm all listy and whatnot. Yep.

Morning:

• Prozac for depression
• Wellbutrin for depression
• Calcium, Magnesium, and Vitamin D for healthy bones and tissues
• B12 because I'm not getting enough in my diet
• (I should also take Iron, but I'm gonna see if I need it on my next doc visit)

Night:

• Buspar for anxiety
• Levothyroxine for my under active thyroid
• Septra for chronic UTIs
• Valerian root, catnip, and lemon balm as sleep aids
• St John's wort for depression (need to check with doc about this too)

So, I was taking my meds, even though they make me feel like I'm old and falling apart, and also that I am not doing a good enough job on my own. I also dislike having a pharmacy in my nightstand, but it's gotta be done.

Despite these chemical assistants, I was really down this week. I noticed more of my joints partially dislocating, and I've been feeling sore due to a nasty fall on the ice. I sprained my right wrist, and possibly my right ankle. They're not too bad, probably because they're used to hyperextending, but they're not very happy either.

I also had to take my pets to the vet. They even had a sleepover, since the weather report called for a snowstorm and my vet's office is in the rural outskirts of town. I spent money that I don't have to get them all polished up and given their vaccines and have some minor day surgery to improve their quality of life -- and I was a mess being at home without them. I was even a mess without Kitten, who, although presently snuggling me in my bed, which is forbidden, is usually largely ignored by me and loved from a distance due to my annoying feline allergy. Prrrow.

I'm seeing the meds doc this week, so I will ask him about a few things and mention that I'm still clinging to my bed rather than even venturing out into the living room, or, higher power forbid, outside! I bet it's just general malaise from trying to use my muscles and joints as they were designed to be used, rather than how my bendy body has decided to use them.

I'll try to be more cheerful this week. I get to talk to a loan agent at the bank, which will aid in the money situation, and I also am studying topics that I enjoy in my classes. Maybe it'll even warm up enough to take the pup on a walk, or a frolic in the park! I'd enjoy that.

Here's to a better week, readers, and I hope that your spirits are lifted as well.

My brother is nicknamed "Gumby"

I feel relieved. Upon researching a genetic condition that affects collagen, which two of my friends have, I realized that I probably have it too. Yes, I am known to be a hypochondriac, and a wee bit psychosomatic. However, I cannot make my skin stretchier or my joints partially dislocate (sublux) just by imagining that they do. I can, however, make my joints sublux by something as simple as shrugging, rolling over in bed, or standing still. Tonight at Stitch & Bitch, people remarked at how often and loudly my joints cracked. Last week, we discovered that my jaw clicks loudly enough for others to hear. Awesome.

Here are some characteristics of this disorder, called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. I have bolded the symptoms that I have, as well as symptoms that my eldest brother and my mother have, as I am suspicious that they have this too. I've taken this from Wikipedia. Not a medical source, to be sure, but still helpful.

• Highly flexible fingers and toes
• Loose, unstable joints that are prone to: sprain, dislocation, subluxation (partial dislocation) and hyperextension (double jointedness)
• Flat feet
• Joint pain without inflammation
• Fatigue, which can be debilitating
• High and narrow palate, resulting in dental crowding
• Vulnerability to chest and sinus infections
• Easy bruising
• Fragile blood vessels resulting from cystic medial necrosis with tendency towards aneurysm (even abdominal aortic aneurysm)
• Velvety-smooth skin which may be stretchy and is often translucent, with blue veins clearly visible on limbs and particularly in the hands
• Abnormal wound healing and scar formation (scars may appear like cigarette burns)
• Low muscle tone and Muscle weakness
• Early onset of osteoarthritis
• Cardiac effects: Dysautonomia typically accompanied by Valvular heart disease (such as mitral valve prolapse, 
• Unexplained "pins and needles" or numbness in extremities
• Difficulty regulating own body temperature, resulting in a vulnerability to the cold and heat. Many patients suffer fatigue and dizziness when exposed to hot conditions, eg. having to sit outside on a hot day
• Severe mouth ulcers. Many patients complain of having several mouth ulcers at any one time. This is believed to be due to tissue fragility and vulnerability to infection
• Food allergies and intolerances are very common
• Sensitivity to medications. One of the cruelest aspects of EDS is that many patients experience bad reactions to medications, such as pain killers, making it very difficult to find safe, effective pain management
• Migraines and headaches
• Fibromyalgia symptoms: Myalgia and arthralgia

Other, less common signs and complications may include:

• Osteopenia (low bone density)
• Talipes equinovarus (club foot), especially in the Vascular type
• Deformities of the spine, such as: Scoliosis (curvature of the spine), Kyphosis (a thoracic hump), Tethered spinal cord syndrome, Occipitoatlantoaxial hypermobility,^[8] Arnold-Chiari malformation (brain disorder)
• Functional bowel disorders (functional gastritis, irritable bowel syndrome)
• Nerve compression disorders (carpal tunnel syndrome, acroparesthesia, neuropathy)
• Vascular skin conditions: Raynaud's phenomenon, Livedo reticularis
• Blue sclera
• Otosclerosis (hearing loss)
• Premature rupture of membranes during pregnancy
• Platelet aggregation failure (platelets do not clump together properly)
• Infants with hypermobile joints often appear to have weak muscle tone (hypotonia), which can delay the development of motor skills such as sitting, standing, and walking
• Arterial/intestinal/uterine fragility or rupture
• Swan neck deformity of the fingers

And now, for the fun bit. Photos!

I use my pinky to scratch my ring finger.
I usually do this unconsciously.

This is what a friend has dubbed "The EDS Gang Sign"

Apparently hypermobile fingers. Seems normal to me.
Thumb at rest.

Indent = Sulcus Sign. Partially dislocated shoulder.
Notice the road map of veins due to thin skin.

If I were you, I wouldn't trust my bendy fingers,
but that hole is where my shoulder bone is supposed to be.

How I usually stand to feel stable. Partially dislocated knee, unstable ankle.
That blue tinge is from my veins showing through my skin. I also thought that was normal.

This is how I hold a pen because my index finger is super bendy.

Holding a thick marker is easier than holding a thin pencil

I can use my stable thumb to support the marker.
My fingers are "boutonairre" and unstable.

Arm is more than 90 degrees backwards from my torso. I can extend it backwards to about 145 degrees.
Shoulder is partially dislocated at the back.

Inside of elbow up, palm up, dog up.

Inside of elbow up, palm down (and rotated to the right), dog down.

Inside of elbow up, palm up, fingers extended.

Right thumb touching forearm. (Other hand holding camera)

Right arm straight at 180 degrees. It's hard to hold it steady here.

This is how my right arm usually bends - past 180 degrees.

Left thumb touching forearm. This wrist might be partially dislocated. I dunno.

 I have what is considered to be abnormally stretch skin, too, but photographic evidence will have to wait until I

A: get photo booth to work again
B: fish out my awesome DSLR, tripod, and remote, or
C: Solicit someone to help

So. Yeah. According to medical sites, both genetic and orthopedic, I definitely exhibit signs of hypermobility, which isn't necessarily Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, but add in my stretchy see-through skin, which scars oddly, and it's more likely that I have EDS. Probably a mild case of Type 3, which classified as the hypermobility type (confused yet? You should be.) rather than a classical type.

The hypermobility type, unfortunately, doesn't have a particular genetic test that can be done to get a positive diagnosis, unlike the other types, which do. Even without a positive EDS diagnosis, I'm definitely hypermobile and walk funnily, so I should at least be able to get a referral to physio to learn how to build up my muscles in ways that don't aggravate my joints.

Brr..

It's cold here. So freakin' cold.

Yeah, yeah, there have been other days when it's been -15C (5F. Yes, single digits, Americans.), but today, I'm really feeling it. I holed up in bed for most of the day with the puppy and my schoolbooks, even after taking my energy-boosting morning meds. I had a lovely breakfast with my partner after church, but I still  haven't technically gotten out of my pyjamas. I put other layers on underneath them, but, honestly, my sweatpants are far warmer than any of my jeans or cords. That's the story that I'm sticking to, anyway.

I ventured out into the cold for my radio broadcast this evening, but I didn't bring the dog. I usually bring the pup since she loves the other people at the station on Sundays, and she'd much rather be with me than alone at home. I couldn't bear to bring the mini dachshund out with me in -15C though. It just wasn't fair - even with a sweater, jacket, and boots on the poor little thing. Also, it would have taken us 40 minutes to walk to the station, rather than the 15 that it took me. That wouldn't have been pleasant in the least.

So, the show was successful, and I'm currently ripping some Canadian indie albums for use in future shows that I'm looking forward to.

I'm also looking forward to getting home and crawling back into bed with the tiny hound and three mugs of hot chocolate. Oh, yes.

Dearest Internet,

I am exhausted. I'm sure you are too, what with all of the bytes you have racing along the information highway. I feel for you, Internet, I do. I don't know how you do it - you never seem to rest. Maybe you'll have the weekend to relax a little, stream some Netflix movies and have people catch up on blogs, rather than the workweek e-business busyness.

Thank you for your assistance, Internet, in posting some photos of my dog rummaging about in the blankets. She loves cozying up on my bed, but thoroughly dislikes the (probably) antique chenille bedspread that I have at the foot of the bed.

The photos are very blurry, as I was unable to stop laughing, and the dachshund certainly wouldn't stop moving as she hunted for badgers, I presume. She is slowly learning how to be a dog again, after three years spent as a breeder in a puppy mill, and I like to encourage these canine behaviours as much as I can. Sure, I was quite annoyed that the pup stole my pizza crust yesterday, but I couldn't scold her - it was my fault for leaving it beside her and not giving her a command to leave it. Silly dog.

Internet, I hate to leave you right now, but I must get back to my reading. Sure, I can probably find a copy of Northanger Abbey over at Project Gutenberg, and then read it while I chat with you, but with all of the millions of people online, I'm certain you won't be lonely. Plus, printed pages are easier on my aging eyes. I know, I know, you've come a long way with typography and screen resolution, but you really should learn to delegate in case the power goes out or the cats chew up the modem cords.

I've also got to eat something, and although you're great at locating places to dine, you know that I'm on a budget, since I do all of my banking with your help, and I really need to eat at home more. I'll still look up recipes on you, though, since Epicurious makes me happy.

So, Internet, so long for now. I'll be back to visit you shortly, I imagine, and I'll have more blog posts for you this weekend. Try to take it easy, eh? That's a good Internet.

Oh, and my father's totally a Jewish Gangster.

I've been meaning to make a case for my iPod for awhile now, as I haven't found any in stores that I love, and I figured I could knit one. I could, and I still might, but on Tuesday I decided to sew one out of scraps. I also needed to get the hang of my sewing machine again, after a tune-up, so a small project was just what I needed. Here's the finished product:

I'm fairly pleased with it. If I had to do it again, I'd definitely change a few things, but just for ease of construction. I would still keep the unfinished seam down the centre of the case, though, (the side seams are properly turned in and finished) as I like how it turned out.

I had a hell of a time with the new thread that I got from Santa, though, as I can't find the end, and making an end was nearly disastrous. Bleh. I hope the other colours of thread are easier to work with. Also, I left all but one of my bobbins at my mother's house. She'll return them next week, but by then my classes will have started.

Eep. Classes. I have a full term, against doctors' orders, so that I can be done in April and graduate in May. On Tuesday, when I felt anxious about school, as I do again now, I curled up with the pup and a new book.

The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, originally Michael Chabon's master's thesis. My roommate gave me the book for Christmas, and I finished it in a day. If I were a man living in Pittsburgh in the 1940s, I feel that this character would quite accurately reflect me. Which may or may not be a good thing, but it was familiar.

Point: It's the first book that I've read for pleasure, and in its entirety, since probably this time last year. I've certainly been reading since then - a dozen novels or so, plus another dozen plays - but mostly for school. I haven't been able to get out of my head and to let myself fully escape into a book in a long time, and it certainly was necessary.

Next up is Flatland by Edwin A. Abbott. It's for my Victorian Lit class this term, so it's not the same kind of freeing read, but I'm thoroughly enjoying it so far.

A splash of new ink.

Thanks to everyone who voted and showed their preference for a new design.

And.. uh.. as you might have already noticed (unless you're using some fancy RSS-reader) I do have a new design up here, but.. it's not any of the ones you voted on. Heh. Er.. um.. I told you I was fickle.

But, do not despair -- you will still be entered to win a handmade item or a pint or something else lovely! I shall stick all of the names to Elliepup and the one that she holds onto the longest will be the winner. Or.. something. Yep. Just you wait and see.

And yes, this post is late. I promised it would be up last weekend, but, well, I wasn't quite ready to decide or to justify my decision, so, it's tardy. I may still be tweaking it over the winter break. I haven't done any web design since 1991 or so, so I'm a bit rusty and, well, a good ten years behind in the times. If I'm unsupervised, it'll likely end up with animated .gifs and the hamsterdance song in the background. Uncool.

I've also been having a bit of trouble with my sewing machine lately. It's breaking needles like that's what it was designed to do, so I think something's outta alignment. It worked superbly until I moved the ol' dear to my mom's house for the holidays. Sigh. These holiday gifts that I've been working on have slowed to a crawl, and I'm a wee bit concerned that I won't finish them in time. Or, worse, that I'll have to hand-sew them all. See, I feel I can fake a meager talent in assembling textiles if I can operate a sewing machine, but by hand? Eep. That's definitely a skill I haven't acquired yet.

So, back to knitting. And purling. And trying to convince the pup to do her doggy business outside, despite the snowdrifts being taller than she is.

A crazy little thing called love.

These neuroses of mine, readers, are troublesome these days. Alright, most days.. for the past decade. Sigh.

After a particularly rough day in which I had nothing scary to face other than, you know, the regular waking, eating, breathing thing, I find myself ready to go to sleep. That is odd, since I don't sleep well at night. I get caught in a loop and rehash all of the day's problems, which I believe are the results of my very existence. Quickly, the loop of worry and guilt gets more fodder added to it, as I remember yesterday, and last week, and last month, et cetera, et cetera. Consequently, I don't sleep, as I am too busy worrying and remembering and narrating a biased tragic tale to ..what? Oh, yes. Relax. I don't really relax. I nap during the day out of sheer exhaustion, and I knit to keep my hands busy and to rewire my automatic thoughts from everything is your fault, you terrible human to knit two, purl two.

But, tonight, as I said, I am ready to sleep. I was invited to submit to a zine which chronicles experiences with mental health issues and fights ableism, and, ultimately, is an exercise in self-love. It was encouraging to see how many people joined the group, either to submit or to purchase an issue when it comes out. I didn't feel quite so alone in acknowledging these madnesses of mine, and that is one of the most important parts in fighting these diseases.

Also, and probably even more cathartic, was an exchange between a few me and a few Twitterers. It was initiated by a formspring post by Thursday, in which she discussed the internal running commentary that accompanies some of her interactions. A half dozen of us connected with that experience, and sharing those fears and acknowledging that we have unique requirements for health was reassuring. Again, it was wonderful to see a small community arise out of an experience that can be so bloody isolating. It was definitely, as Caren said, tweet therapy.

And here's some puppyfuzz, readers, to remind you that puppy love is not pejorative. It's downright glorious.

sad songs and lullabies are singing the world goodnight sleep tight, little world

Well, readers, thanks so much for voting on a new design! I'll work on the design this week, and on Sunday, I'll post the new design, including the results of the lucky duck who gets either a homemade reward or a delicious pint. Or a latte, or whatever they like. Yep.

I spent Friday in a hell of a state due to my very first colloquium presentation. A colloquium is basically an academic conference; people speak on a topic that they've researched and will turn into a scholarly article for (hopefully!) publication in a journal or a book. I participated in the colloquium as part of a grad course I've been taking. I was one of the few undergrad students in the class, and I also presented my paper first. Eek. I am not one for public speaking, and I much prefer to do my conversing all Wizard-of-Oz style from behind a screen. Prescription pharmaceuticals were employed. I did not cry, or faint, or throw up, or ingest intoxicants, so I consider it a roaring success.

I'm still recovering from that ordeal, which seems to have taken more out of me than I expected it to. I find exhibiting emotions or any expression, save for slight annoyance, to be quite tiring, for reasons that we shall discuss once we know each other a bit better. Therefore, the colloquium stress, performance, and the celebrations afterward thoroughly exhausted me, and I think I'll have to wait until Monday to tell you all about my sewing adventures since tote bag version 1.0. Adventures were had, I assure you.

Oh - and my radio show  is on tomorrow night, Sunday, from 6pm-7pm. It's called It's Not the End of the World (Yet) and features entirely Canadian independent (usually) original music. Tomorrow's theme is winter holiday stuffs, so there might be a few covers of holiday songs. I usually steer away from covers unless the song is really fantastic, and Sunday's show will be no exception. It'll also be my last show before the winter break, so please tune in. Trent Radio 92.7 CFFF FM in Peterborough. The transmitter is broadcasting with only 15 watts right now, though, so please listen online if you can - it'll likely be a better broadcast.

Sleep well, readers, and I hope you're staying warm on this chilly night.

Inaugural Sewing Project

Firstly, my gratitude to Jess Gilroy, for posting this fabulous tutorial. It was easy to follow, and the pictures were extremely helpful. I admit, I was a bit confused by the squaring off of the corners, which I found easier to flatten and then measure.


Calvin helps me figure out how to set up my new Kenmore sewing machine. Ain't it a beaut?

I'm having a bit of difficulty getting it to fold up into the table. Well.. it folds into the table really well, but then it falls out of the bottom. Ruh roh. Gotta get that fixed at some point. There's not really any hurry, as the machine has a case to keep the dust out and it has its own little alcove to rest in. Also, for $40 for the machine, table, manual, and accessories, it was a great deal.



Ellie helps me measure out fabric for what she believes will be a lovely dog blanket.

That green cotton will be quite a bargain once I return to Fabricland and am charged properly on my purchases today. Be nice to your cashiers, folks, even when they royally mess up. That cashier might just be my roommate and be trying to pay the bills when she's not driving to Cobourg to supply teach. Yep.


This stretchy fabric was tricky to cut with my $0.49 scissors (or whatever they cost as part of $4.00 starter's sewing kit). It was also tricky to cut with a mini doxie sitting on top of it, but she kept the cats away.


Here's the finished product!

I got so focused putting this together that I didn't take any photos during the actual sewing portion of this experiment, but I promise that I'll take some when I sew some up with the chicken fabric. Yep, chicken fabric! You'll just have to wait and see.



And here's the other side! The stretchy fabric was a bit trickier to sew, but I'm rather pleased with the results. I think that I may call my first official solo sewing project a success, and I can't wait to get back at it.

The dogs in the neighbourhood are going crazy..

It was difficult to get out of bed today, which, I must admit, is not unusual.

I set various alarms, and as each one rang, I felt increasingly less comfortable with the idea of getting up. I covered my head with my duvet and willed the nagging pain in my bladder to cease.

The dog's bladder, however, I'm unable to ignore as I do my own, so I rolled out of bed slowly, promising myself and the pup that we would both climb into bed again shortly. I bundled us both up and outside we went into the cold late-November morning, which greeted us with the first significant snowfall of the year.

And the pup promptly turned around and tried to sneak back into the house.

Um, thanks, pup.

I walked into the middle of the lawn and called her name. The dog sat down in front of the door.

I patted my knees to signal her to "come". Ellie laid down.

I whistled. Pathetic hound eyes answered me.

FINE. Back inside the house we went, and back to bed. We spent an hour together, burrowed under chenille and cotton, avoiding the day together.

I hope the pup enjoyed it at least half as much as I did.