And oh, the run-on sentences.

Errg. Everything is not okay. Work and the dog are doing well, but that's about it. I suppose that's a lot, though it doesn't feel like much, considering.

I feel like I've wasted another year and that I haven't learned anything - that I've let everything fall apart again, despite all of the great supports that are in place.

I didn't feel that my work on a paper was worth handing in, and I had difficulties even putting those thoughts in print, as I was so certain that I hadn't prepared myself properly or given myself enough time. For those reasons, I didn't hand in the final exam/paper and didn't feel that it was fair to ask for any more time. I felt awful about my work and myself, and as I'm unable to separate myself from my illness, I felt that there wasn't much to say..

I screwed up. I am a screw up. The semantic differences in those statements is lost on me, and that doesn't seem, to me, to be an adequate reason to give me more time or (yet) another chance.

As I survey the wreckage, it just seems like I should either learn to clean up after myself or stop making messes. I'm exhausted at the thought, but I know everyone else is too, and they're going about their days and handing in work, so I should be too.

I stupidly scheduled a therapy appointment and then picked up a work shift on the same day. I spent the day in the fresh air, which was lovely, save for worrying about the papers I haven't handed in because I think everything I write is awful, despite ample proof to the contrary, and the sleep that eludes me because of the worry and the joint dislocations and the concern that I won't do well anywhere if I can't behave like a normal human being for more than six months at a time or without expensive pharmaceuticals.

And oh, the run-on sentences.

So, that is how I am doing. And not doing.

I hope that all of you are doing infinitely better.

In the eye of the storm

It is crunch time, Internets.

I have four papers due this week, along with oodles of academic paperwork, plus two exams to write next week. Eep.

So, I'll keep this short.

I just wanted you all to know that I am, indeed, alive. I'm keeping on keeping on, as one of my former therapists would say, and I'm doing my very darndest to keep my head above water, both metaphorically and literally, as the snow melts and the streets flood.

I'm counting down the days until I can hightail it to the other side of the country. I'll be vacationing on the West Coast with my partner and his family later this month, and we have a move scheduled to the Lotus Land for the autumn.

The pup is doing well, aside from desperately needing a grooming to keep her long hair from dreading. She's in good spirits these days and is becoming more relaxed as she learns to trust and to follow commands. We're always working to socialize her and get her used to strangers and sudden noises and movements, but we're doing so with renewed commitment, as she could qualify as a psychiatric service dog. We just need her to be able to perform a few tasks that help me with my disabilities, as well as make her generally bomb-proof in public. That last part will be the hardest, I am certain. It may never happen, but it's a goal we can work towards.

Well, back to paperwork, and then we're off to work. Take care, internetland.

Victorian Show & Tell

Yesterday, my prof brought in a few items for a sort of Victorian Culture Show & Tell. I love when profs do that - especially when it's kinda creepy stuff that I also love. My favourite was one of these:

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It's a jar that was used to apply leeches to the skin and to collect blood in. Luckily, I wasn't having that procedure done today. Also, not so much luckily as hurrah-for-medicine: local anesthetic is loverly. Yep. I wish I could get some of that for my brain. And also wish that the brain-lidocaine wouldn't be terribly addictive and wreck my entire life, all Repo: The Genetic Opera. Watch it. It's a great horror musical starring Anthony Steward Head (you know.. Giles from Buffy). Seriously - watch it.

And now, a few of my favourite Etsy items in the same vein.

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I can barely believe that I found this scarab beetle bracelet. I'm going to email the link to my prof, since the novellas we're reading this week are part of A.S. Byatt's collection Angels and Insects. We're reading Morpho Eugenia, which I have been having trouble putting down, for it is so well crafted and researched. This bracelet definitely speaks to the unique fascination that Victorians had with insects and artifacts from overseas. In the upperclass, this would have been seen as a fashionable piece of jewelery without much thought being given to the scientists and other people who risked their lives to retrieve these specimens.

And, here's a brooch that reminds me of Zoe's contemporary work over at her Etsy store. You can also find her and some cute cats at agiraffeinascarf.wordpress.com.

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 Here's the vintage brooch that I found. I'd love to receive a similar one (hint, Zoe, hint) as part of the Pay it Forward awesomeness that I'm a part of. The Pay it Forward link'll show you how to get free loot from me, such as:
 - a handmade tote bag
- a personalized handknit scarf
- a half-dozen mug cozies to keep your beverages warm
- a wool hat

..or whatever we collaboratively decide on. Seriously. Free stuff. You just have to pass on the love in an awesome non-STI kinda way. Yep. Because I can't afford to buy you a scarab beetle bracelet, and I want to hoard all of the vintage and contemporary broaches for myself. I'm greedy like that. But after today's run-in with the medical system, I don't feel the least bit guilty. And.. well.. I just offered you free stuff.