Please let this month be over.

I haven't uploaded the Vancougar photos yet. Surprise, surprise.

I feel as if my whole life is filled with things I am failing to do. School. Employment. Dog stuff. Family stuff. Lover stuff. Friend stuff.

Despite that feeling, I am making progress.

I handed in some school stuff. On time. It's not anywhere near what I'd like it to look like, but it's in. And that's a huge step for me. I'd usually just not hand it in because I'm not satisfied with it.

I also am getting some clients for a dog walking and behaviour business that a close friend and I started. We haven't met any of the clients yet, but we're definitely booking up quickly. I pick up the flyers and brochures from the printer's on Friday, and we'll paint this town red. I don't know if we'll make enough to quit our day jobs (er.. or, in my case, what day job?), but I'm optimistic and feel like I've already accomplished more with it than I thought I could. I'm proud of what we've done so far, and I'm eager to meet people and help them with their dogs.

Roomie is moving out on Wednesday. Lover is moving in. I am terrified. I hope it will improve both relationships, but I'm worried that it'll ruin them. My worry is likely unwarranted, of course, but that doesn't make it any less present in my mind. I am eager to make a home with my partner, putting up our artwork, realizing we don't have any dishware, debating over purchasing things that we need but don't want to move across the country with us in a few months - it'll be interesting. I shall help him keep from accidentally giving us food poisoning, and he shall help me keep from eating that delicious food in bed at all hours of the night.

And, here's a short list of blog posts that I must remind myself to write soooon:
- Vancougar, with photos
- Zebra/EDS sleepover awesomeness
- my very green thumb
- physio, the sequel
- chiro update

Things we encountered on our afternoon walk:

• Two adorable cats. One of them played with Elliepup. Purr!
• Two adorable doxies. One of them was a piebald puppy. Ellie loved them.
• A chicken bone, which Ellie sniffed out amidst some tulips. She wanted to take it home.
• A blues guitarist. I danced a little.
• A blonde squirrel. Weeeird.
• A balmy 18C. I'd love summer if it wouldn't get any hotter than this. Glorious! 

Some piebald & longhaired doxie eyecandy: 

 Source

I'm baaaaack

There needs to be a serious vacation post, and there will be one.
With photos.
Of trees.
And mountains.
And marine life.
And general British Columbia awesomeness.

Just.. not today.

Also, I have a good secret, but that will also have to wait. A good one. I swear.
No, I'm not knocked up. That, friends, would be bad secret. Seriously.

Moving right along..

I've only been back in the province.. oh.. for five days now? Less than a week. And already it feels like it has been years since I was away. Eep. Luckily, the vacation also seemed to last for years, so perhaps it'll all even out.

Things I have done since returning:

• fed my sausage-dog sausage
• worked a shift at my beloved Queen Anne mansion
• given my mother orchids
• called my grandmother and my father
• submitted journal articles on time
• canoed!
• played guitar
• gone on a dog playdate
• dislocated my shoulder (but all is well!)

Most of those things are fantastic,  and I shall celebrate them as such.

I hope you're all celebrating things too.

Lotus Land

Well, internets, it's time to bid you adieu.

Just for a little while. Only for a little while.

I'm on vacation, you see. Hurrah! Vacation! And it's a true vacation - I'm going away! I haven't gone away on vacation in years - not for anything that wasn't centered around family events. So, I am quite excited. Even if I do feel that I haven't earned it. Oh well.

I'm heading to British Columbia for a week. I'll be leaving the pup with my brother and his gal in their new house. Oh, the nerves. I sent a much-too-long list of instructions to them, and I'm sure the pup will have more luggage than I will. She'll be fine, though, and I hope they have good weather for the dog park. Ellie and I even went on a dog date and went to an off-leash dog party this week. It was fantastic! I should've taken pictures. Next time, I promise.

We (my partner and I) will be visiting his parents on the Sunshine Coast for most of the trip, but we'll also be spending a day or so in Vancouver. We have to visit his family in Van, as well as hit up the aquarium, sea wall, the public library, and probably a tea shop and a typeset and stationery shop. Eep. Excitement.

I'll take far too many photos. I promise.

Which reminds me - I've gotta get packing!

Talk to you soon, folks. I hope you all have a lovely week.

And oh, the run-on sentences.

Errg. Everything is not okay. Work and the dog are doing well, but that's about it. I suppose that's a lot, though it doesn't feel like much, considering.

I feel like I've wasted another year and that I haven't learned anything - that I've let everything fall apart again, despite all of the great supports that are in place.

I didn't feel that my work on a paper was worth handing in, and I had difficulties even putting those thoughts in print, as I was so certain that I hadn't prepared myself properly or given myself enough time. For those reasons, I didn't hand in the final exam/paper and didn't feel that it was fair to ask for any more time. I felt awful about my work and myself, and as I'm unable to separate myself from my illness, I felt that there wasn't much to say..

I screwed up. I am a screw up. The semantic differences in those statements is lost on me, and that doesn't seem, to me, to be an adequate reason to give me more time or (yet) another chance.

As I survey the wreckage, it just seems like I should either learn to clean up after myself or stop making messes. I'm exhausted at the thought, but I know everyone else is too, and they're going about their days and handing in work, so I should be too.

I stupidly scheduled a therapy appointment and then picked up a work shift on the same day. I spent the day in the fresh air, which was lovely, save for worrying about the papers I haven't handed in because I think everything I write is awful, despite ample proof to the contrary, and the sleep that eludes me because of the worry and the joint dislocations and the concern that I won't do well anywhere if I can't behave like a normal human being for more than six months at a time or without expensive pharmaceuticals.

And oh, the run-on sentences.

So, that is how I am doing. And not doing.

I hope that all of you are doing infinitely better.

In the eye of the storm

It is crunch time, Internets.

I have four papers due this week, along with oodles of academic paperwork, plus two exams to write next week. Eep.

So, I'll keep this short.

I just wanted you all to know that I am, indeed, alive. I'm keeping on keeping on, as one of my former therapists would say, and I'm doing my very darndest to keep my head above water, both metaphorically and literally, as the snow melts and the streets flood.

I'm counting down the days until I can hightail it to the other side of the country. I'll be vacationing on the West Coast with my partner and his family later this month, and we have a move scheduled to the Lotus Land for the autumn.

The pup is doing well, aside from desperately needing a grooming to keep her long hair from dreading. She's in good spirits these days and is becoming more relaxed as she learns to trust and to follow commands. We're always working to socialize her and get her used to strangers and sudden noises and movements, but we're doing so with renewed commitment, as she could qualify as a psychiatric service dog. We just need her to be able to perform a few tasks that help me with my disabilities, as well as make her generally bomb-proof in public. That last part will be the hardest, I am certain. It may never happen, but it's a goal we can work towards.

Well, back to paperwork, and then we're off to work. Take care, internetland.

Physio and other developments

I have needed a bit of breathing room lately.

Aside from the usual stresses of mental health issues, school, and work, I've been dealing with some physical health issues.

I've started physio to strengthen my back muscles in an effort to stabilize my joints, and it has shown me just how out of shape I am. Eep. I also have to concentrate on walking normally, rather than subluxing my hips, knees, and ankles as I walk, and that's taking a great deal of strength that I didn't foresee.

However, it's going well so far, and I'm exhausted at night (and during the day, but what else is new?) and am sleeping better. I awake before my alarm does, feeling almost refreshed, and ready to start the day. Sure, I need a nap in the afternoon, but it's a relief to feel.. relieved.. so I'm not complaining. Being physically sore is trying, especially since I haven't noticed the benefits of physio yet. I have faith that it's a good step for me though - especially while I have health coverage. Heh.

The chiropractic treatments are also going well. I'm definitely noticing improvement in my gait and posture, and my headaches are becoming less severe. My shoulders, especially my wonky left one, are still causing enough pain to warrant ice when they're inflamed and heat when they're a mess of knots and trigger points. I had inflammation in my neck at the start of my chiropractic treatment program, but as the muscles in my neck strengthened to support my head in its new healthy position, the pain lessened, thankfully. There were a few days in which the maximum dosage allowed of of anti-inflammatories couldn't keep me from crying in pain. But, as I said, that has passed, so hurrah. I have two more treatments before I get my next assessment and a report on my progress with the chiropractic treatments so far.

I also had a rather awful run-in with an ableist professor. She abused her position as a senior tutor with access to academic records and said some terrible things to me in a meeting that was not in any way constructive. It would have driven me to the psychiatric crisis centre in the hospital if I hadn't already been on the way to the mental health outpatient clinic, so.. lucky for me? Sigh. I feel betrayed by my academic department, my university, and even, a little bit, by the people who thought she would be just and encouraged me to meet with her. I'm so angered by the situation that I don't want to recount it, and, besides that, I don't feel that it's appropriate to go into details in such a public forum. It will be dealt with through the proper academic channels, to be sure. For now, my energy will be put to better use working on assignments and getting healthy.

I have a doctor's appointment with my general practitioner on Friday. I'll introduce him to the idea of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, and share the physiotherapist's opinions with him. I am definitely hypermobile and exhibit all of the symptoms of hypermobility syndrome, but it has not yet been determined if it's in fact EDS hypermobility type or not. My stretchy skin, digestive problems, and family history suggests that EDS should be considered in the differential diagnosis. I'll have to visit a rheumatologist to get an informed medical opinion on the matter, and genetic testing and a skin biopsy could also be useful. It could show a deformity in my collagen cells, and it could narrow down the potential EDS diagnosis to a specific type.

So, that's the plan for this week.

And on the horizon: moving plans, new housecat, and a DJ gig at a cupcake contest.

Yep. You read correctly. It'll be delicious.