These days, I must remind myself to breathe. To inhale and exhale.
I inhale well. I am excellent at taking in the chilly almost-spring air deep into my lungs, which seems to clarify so much more than I expect it to. I can stand still and almost feel human when I am out in the snow with just my little pup. It makes me feel as if maybe, just maybe, getting lost in the woods and never returning would be unfortunate, or at least inconvenient. I am so great at inhaling that sometimes I inhale quite rapidly, and repeatedly, but it seems to lack the intended effect, for I feel dizzier than ever.
I'm not very good at exhaling. I hold my breath during times of exertion, physical or otherwise. When I feel ohso out of control, I try my best to control my breathing. I don't always execute it well, though, for impeding exhalation goes against everything that my brain is built for - everything, except for what I am conscious of. It always seems like a smart idea to stop everything, if only for a second. Except it's never only for a second. I wait with bated breath for something to change. Without oxygen, though, a second feels like an eternity. It is difficult to be observant to change when one is trying desperately to stop one's body from doing what it is meant to do.
I should be taking slow, deep breaths.
Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.
But as my body is repeating, so is my mind. It is repeating all of the things that I am trying to hold back. All of the thoughts that are incorrect and unhealthy and disordered. Apparently, taking over subconscious acts such as breathing actually makes my subconscious grouchy and less willing to help me out with this whole keep calm and carry on thing. Sigh.
Sighing is one type of exhale that I am really good at. It is a sign of defeat. It emotes sadness and disappointment or, on a good day, simply exhaustion. I cannot remember the last time I sighed from relief. That would require being relieved. I wish I could be relieved of all of.. this ..just for a little while. Body, mind, and spirit.
I used to be spirited. That's another thing that I have to retrieve from the depths of these illnesses.
As soon as I catch my breath.
Monday, February 28, 2011
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3 comments:
I'm a terrible exhaler, too. I've tried yoga, chanting, meditation ... but still, when I'm in a moment of y'know, Life stuff, I inhale but forget to do the whole inhale-exhale-inhale-exhale breathing thing. I found myself sighing a lot today. It's the wrong kind of exhaling - it's a sad/disjointed exhale.
Ah, the luxury of stillness - the kind of stillness where you can just breathe in & out with & Be.
I long for that luxury, more than any other.
Thinking still thoughts your way.
(hug) Thanks so much, Caren.
I definitely need that.
I'm bad at exhaling too, and very bad at controlled breathing. I think you should spend as much time breathing in the snow with your pup as you can, that sounds like bliss. Also, I can't compete with the awesomeness of Caren's comment.
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