I wish I didn't have to leave the pup tomorrow.

I can hear the laundry spinning around and around, drying in the machine in the foyer. The pup has the hiccups again, but is trying to sleep through them. I'm curled up in my pyjamas, counting down the minutes until the boy finishes his day at work. And, well, I'm trying not to think about tomorrow.

As much as I'm fascinated by medical stuffs, I also feel like I'm a big wimp about it, like I'm looking for the attention. Maybe I am, but I certainly don't get any pleasure out of it. I just feel guilty for making people worry, and especially for making people worry when there's nothing seriously wrong.

See, I have some tests I have to get done tomorrow, and the next day. Tomorrow, I'll have a regular run-of-the-mill appointment with my GP, during which he'll tell me that I have to take my meds more regularly, and I'll tell him I'll try again and then get more bloodwork done to see if I've succeeded. But every time.. I feel like I'm failing my doc and my family, rather than failing myself. I feel awful that I don't have a solution and that I can't fix my compliance issues, and that my health is suffering when it shouldn't. And. Arg.

I also have to get a procedure done at the hospital tomorrow. It's just a scope, and I get local anesthetic, so it shouldn't hurt. Shouldn't. But I'm scared that it will and that I'll be a coward even though I should be all grown up and not afraid of these things. Because, well, it's nothing really. Just something small. It'll bring me one step closer to fixing whatever's the matter, and that could mean less - or no! - pain. I'm not sure I believe that not being in pain is an option, and if it is, I certainly don't believe that I deserve it. Which, well, sounds insane.  Sigh.

Oh, and on Wednesday I get to take another test that'll probably be superfluous. That one's more inconvenient than anything. It definitely won't hurt at all. But still.. I hate being poked and prodded because.. what if they don't find anything the matter? What if their tests all say that I'm fine, and.. this is what fine is? This is as good as it gets, and I should be grateful. And I'm not.

Well.. enough worrying, at least in written form. I'm gonna crawl into bed with the dog and a novella for school.

And tomorrow will be fine. Really. I'm just worn out right now, is all. I'll be brave. I promise.